There she was, standing on my sight doing the same thing to delight my day.
There I was at the corner, taking all the privilege to have her with my long glance and feeling the bliss of looking at the girl who has captured every part of my heart.
Suddenly, there he was, with something on his hand. Those were paper roses. He was reaching towards her, and with him was the confidence I saw by the way he looked at her. And there she was, finally turning around to look at him, receiving those paper roses written with the sweetest of things that got her by.
There was, both of them. Smiling in the most mutual way. The happiness was with her and the gladness was with him. It was like nobody could take it away from them.
There I was, still at the corner, being the man who can’t be moved. I tried to look away, but I realized, “what for?”. That’d be a stupid move. I knew there was nothing I can do to stop myself from keeping hurt. It felt like drowning on a hopeless river of pain. I never wanted to insist this feeling.
And that’s how it tore me each and everyday since it all started.
Maybe because we look forward with things that much,
that when we finally come to that point of time, the excitement fades and it does not seem to sink in us. It just happened that way. It just happened that fast. Sigh.
I wish life was simply all about choices, because if I had all the choices and if I were to choose, I would choose not to feel this way about you right now, I would choose not to get hurt this bad.
Sadly, it’s not, it never was, it never is, and it never will be. Everytime they ask me if I get hurt seeing you with him, I honestly don’t know what to answer them because at the very first place, I don’t want to, but I just feel so, and it’s inevitable.
“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say to those who hurt you.”
But because I never would compromise your happiness with whatever this feeling is, I will learn to sacrifice and to let go. That’s just how much you mean to me.
And I hope someday I can say, “I liked my choices”.
I never expected you to do an apology to me today. I didn’t even think you knew about what I was feeling. I still couldn’t believe it. You weren’t supposed to do that. You almost made me cry. I want you to know that I never held even a single hatred towards you. Yes, I’ve been hurt but that doesn’t mean you owe me anything. Everything’s starting to be fine with me now. As what I’ve told you, I don’t hold your life so I don’t have any right to be mad or something. I am happy with whatever makes you happy. That’s how I love you.
It was almost exactly a year ago when for the second time around, I tried my guts. Unfortunately I failed, but that didn’t turn out to be the end, I was given the chance to reach what I was aspiring back then.
This school year had been the toughest for me, I could say. Being in the Student Council was never to be called easy. I would remember the very first days of my duty where it still was really hard for me to adjust and I had to tell myself every day that it’s not going to be as usual as the last school year, and that responsibility is lent before me.
All those mornings of shouting, telling the students to run just to save them from the bell, “highschool, faster!” Those times when it was a total hassle to hold up late comers in school especially when my close friends are there and they keep begging me not to put them on hold but I had no choice but to do my duty.
All those times when I am tasked to do that, to do this, to go there and call the attention of students who are going somewhere, when everytime we had activities, we had to make students refrain from going outside the gym. Sometimes, I even miss all the fun just because I had to respond to my responsibilities.
All those times of planning for upcoming events, all the preparations, the things that are needed to be bought, and all struggles to put up the back drop, those really caused too much of our efforts.
And not to mention all the scoldings we received from our moderator when we failed to accomplish anything or follow the rules or even forget our responsibilities sometimes, it’s just really heartbreaking.
But all the things I mention above, I guess, is just the way it is in the student council. No matter what the experiences are, good or bad, it’s all a part of it. And it’s all worth it. I’ve always wondered how it feels like to be a student leader before, and I never felt what I wanted to feel that easy, I had to go through this point in time to finally feel it and yes, I finally knew how it does feel like.
Even if how much tiredness it caused me, for one thing, nothing will ever beat the happiness and fun of being in the student council especially that you know you’re with the coolest leaders on earth. All the laughter at the meeting, the chats we had when we’re on duty even though we’re not allowed to, the bonds, and even if we get scolded, we still managed to laugh. They’re just the best kiddos. I can’t afford not to miss them.
Now, it’s already time to select another batch of leaders to be in the student council. I can’t help but see myself in them. I know God has destined them in the right tracks.
I know as I start to bid good bye to this pink blazer, I will also say good bye to my position and responsibility. But the experience and the lessons I learned from it, will remain with me for the rest of my life.
So before everything ends, I would like to call it a tremendous accomplishment. I would like to say “I did it!”.
Everytime they ask me about who I am going to be with in the ball, how I wish I could spit your name out of my mouth just like the way I used to brag about it before.
But I know I can’t.
The unexplainable feeling of joy to be able to enter into others’ lives, contribute wonderful memories and put happiness in them, to serve as an instrument in making and building the good person there is beneath each of them, and to touch them. It’s just one of the greatest experiences you’d ever gain in this life.
I’m glad to have myself as their Catechist. I will never forget my pupils, and I do hope they will remember me and the teachings I’ve shared with them. I will always pray for them.
Teach me how to get over you. Teach me how to let go of you. Teach me how to forget what I feel about you. Teach me how to stop this.
Because everytime I see you with him with that happiness you get, it does hurt. Everytime I see the both of you walking together, I always try to look away because you have no idea how it pinches every part of me. Everytime I take a glance at you, it kills me because I know I still want you but I just can’t have you.
So even if how much pain it would inflict on me, please just teach me how to give up on you.